Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.

10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.

gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”

Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!

The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.

You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.

I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect

Always the camel, never the toe.

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.

*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*

this is why I drink

The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.

I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…

Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.

My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?

*composes email*

*proofreads*

*hovers mouse over send button*

*proofreads again*

*is about to send*

*proofreads a third time*

*gets glass of water*

*proofreads once more*

*finally sends email*

*re-reads email just for good measure*

OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO

Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.

We were frantic.

Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.

Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s

Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp

“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”

– reverse psychology

Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it

2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?

Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?

2020: How’s your back?

Me: Damn it!

2020: *teehee*

[santa gently waking me] you live like this?

“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door

I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts

‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’

–Me, every 45 minutes

If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years

Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer

What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…

Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.

[Driving by a massive pile up]

SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.

ME: It’s a collidascope.

SON:

WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.

LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied

Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]

[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop