Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.

Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.

There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH

anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?

Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.

Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?

Friend: 6th grade

Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.

Friend: Computers?

Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.

“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”

“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”

“You’re missing the point.”

“That’s the idea!”

“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!

Me: I want you inside of me.

Him: Wow.

Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?

Him: Why are you like this?

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.

*roving gang of doctors walk past house*

*feral teacher crashes through window*

Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!

Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy

If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them

If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ

that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.

That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.

What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?

All you can yeet.

If I lived in a town where dancing was illegal, I’d take up arson as a hobby. “Footloose” would have been 7 minutes long.

Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?

Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.

Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.

Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.

Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.

5: I cleaned my room.

Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.

5: No. Next time you can do it.

If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.

Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom

Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: heavy-handed product placement

professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good

And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”

Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.

me: you’re brothers?

mario: that’s-a right!

me: which explains why you dress the same

luigi: that’s-a right!

me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?

mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is