Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.

Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory

Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit

[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES

Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-

Me: Drinks?

W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY

Me: Margarita?

I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.

Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯

I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”

im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*

DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight

My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.

I put a NEW DRIVER sticker on my car so people will have mixed emotions when I cut them off.

Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.

God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open

ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…

REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-

ME: My dog doesn’t like it.

REALTOR: But I-

ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU

Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.

Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”

What do we want?

“A TIME MACHINE.”

When do we want it?

Toddler: we watch peed her pants

Me: you peed your pants?

Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS

Me: who peed her pants!?

Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!

Me: Peter Pan?

Toddler: ya peed her pants

If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.

I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”

I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.

the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air

[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.

I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.

I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.

Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.

Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.

I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.