Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *posing nude for a painter*

GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.

I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.

Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.

#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..

I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.

Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.

Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy

Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet

Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.

This took me a second..

What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.

My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.

Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.

12653.

🤣😂

So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter

Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.

If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.

me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos

I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed

[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE

No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter

Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?

[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best

It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy

[Playing House]

Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.

Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.

Child: …

Me: What?

Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.

Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.

interviewer: your resume says you like being read to

me: and then what happened

Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous

I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.