Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: c’mon get back in the car

Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no

priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]

Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya

According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.

9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.

Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.

9yo: You’re making it worse.

Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.

One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.

Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise

Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people

Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard

It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020

How I’d get arrested…

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.

This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.

Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews

“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*

me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember

me 5 seconds later: oh no

HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉

ME: *eats a fistful of bees*

My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.

Is your wife single?

The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.

Hey bro pleas stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river

I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.

[doctor’s office]

ME: I’m here for my test results

[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]

DR: I have some bad news…

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.

I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.

4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.

6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.

No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though

there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now

*august*

y’all need jesus

*christmas ads start*

not like that