*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
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Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
I have never related to anyone more.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job