Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.

Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?

Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.

Me: [also now staring at the floor]

Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?

Great grandma: No.

Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floor

Banks, What’s exactly your problem 😭

The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!

Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor

date: I’m an archaeologist

me: my career is also in ruins

Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.

If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe

If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.

Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:

scared to check what name she chose

When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.

I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel

*wife is out of town*

Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?

*looks around and shrugs*

Screw it. This is my house.

*falls into toilet at 3AM*

I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.

Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.

“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”

*embarrassed silence in the room*

“Wow. Tough crowd.”

Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER

How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’

Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…

He’s irrelephant

*logs onto Facebook*

*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*

*logs off forever*

i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed

To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME

Be the reason she can’t walk properly.

~ 5 inch heels probably ~

Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.

I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.

On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.

surely this is the hangover that will teach me my lesson

I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.

people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description

The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.