Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy

Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.

Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.

I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.

Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman

*draws a line in the sand*

*looks at the line in the sand*

*decides that it might be time to vacuum*

He instantly became one of the bros

Christian: You need Jesus in your life

Me: But I can’t find him

Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*

My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: not really, no

my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera

AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire

I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂

I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.

NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?

ME: No

NURSE: Do you do drugs?

ME: *sigh* No

NURSE: Are you sexually active?

ME: *just starts crying*

Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.

Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?

It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.

Every Political Ad Ever:

I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*

I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything

If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.

*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger

When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.

My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.

Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:

The probiotic bottle says there’s a billion good bacteria in every dose. How do we know they’re all good? Out of a billion can we be sure there’s not one mean ass microbe just waiting to escape the capsule and kill someone?

her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what

1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.

I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.

Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.

It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.

Even if it is no one’s birthday.

They don’t even check.