*runs into dental hygienist in store*

Me: How are you?

Her: *starts to respond but I shove my fingers in her mouth*

Me: Not so easy huh

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Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.


[whispers in your ear] how did I get inside this ear?


i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes


*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..

“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”


Wife: Are you coming or not?
Me: Is there gonna be alcohol?
Wife: It’s your grandmother’s funeral!
Wife: NO!
Me: Then I’m not coming.


Here it is, folks:

“Do imaginary octopi have …

(wait for it)

(wait for it)



I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.


what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid


The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.