@Mr_Kapowski

*runs into dental hygienist in store*

Me: How are you?

Her: *starts to respond but I shove my fingers in her mouth*

Me: Not so easy huh

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@roxyisrad

Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.

@G_Faylor

[whispers in your ear] how did I get inside this ear?

@popespeed

i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes

@BareChesty

*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..

“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”

@Jaywoo74

Wife: Are you coming or not?
Me: Is there gonna be alcohol?
Wife: It’s your grandmother’s funeral!
M:…
Wife: NO!
Me: Then I’m not coming.

@yerpalmildsauce

Here it is, folks:

“Do imaginary octopi have …

(wait for it)

(wait for it)

PRETENDACLES?”

@SardonicTart

I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.

@famouscrab

what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid

@curlycomedy

The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.