Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.

hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment

“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”

– Old Southern Proverb

I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n

wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad

me: that is true of literally every food

Me: SPIDER!

Brain: Nope, fluff.

Me: SPIDER!

Brain: That is a fly.

Me: SPIDER!!!

Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.

You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.

The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!

Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.

One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.

Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.

Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.

Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.

I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.

Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.

I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball

5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.

Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”

[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho

me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room

cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you

my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full

me, carrying 8 grocery bags:

These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…

…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.

Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”

Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!

Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*

“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”

Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time

Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed

Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas

i got fired from my marketing job for pitching a reverse Hot Ones where we make famous people drink ten increasingly warm glasses of milk

“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct

Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time

A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.

It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.

“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”

– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.