Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”

So I took his Visa

On the list of things I’ve learned today:

1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes

me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat

Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.

They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.

“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.

Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”

[During sex]

Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting

Me: It helps me in bed

Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS

Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭

landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy

estão todos miauvindo?

ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”

SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*

ME [shaking] omg that’s him!

[during sex]

Can you please take your Fitbit off.

[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though

I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.

Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.

*moves to Fiji*

date: i like guys who are mysterious

me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman

“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”

kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again

When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂

First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.

Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat

Seek kebab; not attention

My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that

Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs

Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.

Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?

“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”

KID: *goes kicking and screaming*

TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight

ADULT: Thank you so much

Me: you want salmon for dinner?

3yo: yeah!

Me: what do you want with it?

3yo: mayo.

Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.

3yo: mayonnaise.

He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.

My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.