[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
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Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted