Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I found a message in a bottle. It said:

“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”

Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.

Her: What?!? Children? Since when?

Me: Since I’m getting audited today.

I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.

[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”

Science memes

Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”

Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas

Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami

And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?

Ok but actually

[flirting between USA and Canada]

Canadian: you’re my favourite.

American: no u.

My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.

Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?

God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.

Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.

The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.

work smarter, not harder

Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit

I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me

“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”

“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”

– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.

Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?

3yr old: No, the crow did it

Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold

3yr old: *points out window

Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass

3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.

Hey, my eyes are up here.

Nope. Higher.

– snails, probably

“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”

-Me, as a therapist

NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike

[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]

PATIENT: *Opens one eye*

Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.

Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?

Leave this on his windshield.

I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.

There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.

My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.

French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.

Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?

Seems kinda suspicious

craving $300 all of a sudden