Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

goals for 2016:

1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion

If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up

unless I’m driving

Missionary, so we can keep arguing

Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.

They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.

I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher

3.

The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.

I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN

Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”

Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.

He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him

Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.

I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200

My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded

I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.

My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.

[First ever date]

ME: I just didn’t feel a spark

CAVEWOMAN: a what?

Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?

Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.

FD: Well then-

FS: Don’t.

FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.

FB: you have memories to look back on

Wine: i’ll take care of this

Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!

Alexa: Hold my beer!!!

I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.

“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds

When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.

I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…

… and that world peace thing.

I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.

*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”

no such thing as a dumb question

So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh

What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.