[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
You Might Also Like
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant
I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
😭😭
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
“Grandma jumped in front of my client.”
-Reindeer lawyer
A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:
“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”
Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.