[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
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Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?
Just a paranormal pants.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.