Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.

Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.

If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.

[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]

*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?

Wife: Please go wait in the car

I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue

“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”

Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.

Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.

Me now: I would never date anyone.

me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years

her: oh wow. army? navy?

me: olive garden

Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.

My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.

Now he can hear the voices too.

[laying on top of me]

4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.

Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.

Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.

She left me because I am insecure.

No wait, she’s back.

She just went to get a glass of water.

The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day

These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.

STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?

They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.

The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.

Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN

Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying

quite the party

somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship

people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once

I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.

My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?

I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here

Midwest trash talk

She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok

*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*

He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe

him: your so cute! why are you alone!?

me: you’re

him: …

me: hello? hello?

half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both