Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating

[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.

“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.

By Kate Hatos

I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.

At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.

MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s Day

MAR 16: middle child, left out as usual

Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?

“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”

well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.

[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip

If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.

It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…

T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?

TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?

RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING

*first day as a detective*

Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body

Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead

Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure

My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.

Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.

Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.

discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer

The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ

My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.

“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”

I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.

Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?

Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”

Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years

[gym]

Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual

My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.