Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression

Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.

Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.

*Job interview

Him: Any special achievements?

Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed

H: Alright, you’re hired

M: Really?

H: No.

Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?

Him: *disables smoke alarm*

that would 100% work on me

Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.

My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.

Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.

—me flirting with a chemist

[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”

before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’

after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’

[speed dating]

Her: I’m a little bit country.

Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.

Jesus, take the wheel.

Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.

the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.

Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh

Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.

Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.

[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]

“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”

[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”

(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn

Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.

Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.

[in prison]

me: so u guys come here often?

*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”

My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.

If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.

It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity

Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡

guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”

“Hi, I’d like to ask a question.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Actually, first I’d like to make a statement.”
“Sorry, this is the questions desk. You’ll need to take that to the statements desk.”
“Uh-huh and where’s that?”
“Not sure. I’d say ask them, but they don’t take questions.”

This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob