Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed

me: *nauseated from eating too much*

also me: did you say cake?

Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…

this is the best day of my life

*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*

My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️

A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.

Pastor: For better, for worse?

Husbands: Sure.

P: In sickness and in health?

H: Yep.

P: Till death do you part?

H: I do.

P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.

H: Hang on … what?

Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.

“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.

hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING

ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.

MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.

Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home

roommate: do u have any shaving cream

me: no it tastes gross

roommate: you eat shaving crea-

me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross

Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold

mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice

i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”

Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit

Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.

Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting

It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.

me: whoa you think I’m buff?

them: no, we said buffoon

My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”

my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.

I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70

The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.

My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.

Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.

Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”