Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”

My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.

Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]

Parents: Never talk to strangers!

Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?

I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.

Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking

The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.

I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing

Who called them dentures and not substitooths?

that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse

I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’

Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.

Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?

you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak

HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK

ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”

YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants

Wife: You have no friends

Me: Of course I do

Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.

Me: 🤔

normalize having existential bread

Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.

Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.

“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.

Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.

Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety

There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you

[speed dating, today]

him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!

*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?

Steve: what?

I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.

My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?

WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys

So, I got banned from the toy store today…

First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though

Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!