Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”

I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭

Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?

Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.

If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.

Stages of a quick trip to Costco:

1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.

“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.

If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.

Wife: please don’t

I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head

Me: somethings are worth fighting for

I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time

What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.

My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.

Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.

Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.

Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake

As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?

When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.

You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”

smh

[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”

Wife: “I’m the same”

Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*

I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.

A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.

Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.

[Kanye at pharmacy]

*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*

No one man should have all that powder!

An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.

My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.

Products that are really small are like free samples, right?

Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.

what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti

I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”

Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.