Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.

burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that

wife: [sits up] oh my god

husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed

burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch

Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”

[mall]

Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.

*looks in purse*

*waves at testicles*

Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!

You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.

I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.

1. My wife’s name

2. How to make a shank from a phone charger

3. I need Twitter

It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis

Computer: choose a password

Me: mysocks

Computer: confirm password

Me: mysocks

Computer: passwords do not match

If you think my heart is cold, you should feel my feet.

(Creating Atheists)

God: Make some humans Sciencey

Angel: Will they believe in you?

God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!

A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.

Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’

If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.

*cough*

Me: I have nothing to say

Also me: AND ANOTHER THING

Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter

Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”

My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.

Don’t worry. I never get laid.

(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.

Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re

S: Oh ffs!

Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.

Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner

my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.

[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*

Me: you know what’s sexy?

Mirror: no

My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.

Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.

Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk

How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste

Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.

ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.