Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective

Dumple

Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.

ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]

WIFE: you could just-

ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn

6: Why are we at the vet?

Me: So our pig can’t have babies

6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?

Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch

me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?

my cat: yes

[out in public]

12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?

me: [showing him he’s wrong]

12: now you look like an idiot

me: i hate kids man.

What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?

At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
For if I die before I wake
I pray the third Paul Blart they make.

You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.

🦝🔥🦝🔥

A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?

Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.

“What’s that?”

A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.

*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”

somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.

Friend without kids: I’m so tired.

Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK

Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?

*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*

(in customer service line at Walmart)

A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT

-worms on Twitter

[Olive Garden]

Me: *walks in*

Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.

Me: Huh?

Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.

Breakup? I’m sorry no.

You’re not finished being in love with me yet.

Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.

Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!

#RateMyPun #LunchPun

This bar smells like my childhood.

I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.

I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.

guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right

If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.

Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.