Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I…do not understand how electricity works.

Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?

Clerk: That’s an egg.

I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician

Game developer: his name is Donkey

Nintendo: nice

Developer: he’s a gorilla

Nintendo: ok twist

Developer: who wears a necktie

Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?

Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?

Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking

You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look

I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.

Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.

Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?

Get kittens they said… at least then you’ll know why you’re wide awake at 3am every night

dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!

me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?

dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home

me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol

I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.

It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…

“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”

’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.

Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing

I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude

People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be

How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?

Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.

I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.

Or help them move.

That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless

4-year-old: That chicken is weird

Me: What chicken?

4-year-old: That chicken

Me: That’s a whooping crane

4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken

“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?

Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”

-Teenagers

[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care

My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.

Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.

My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?

Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*

Me: [walking through front door]

4: Is it storming outside?

Me: Yeah it is buddy.

4: Did you get hit by lighting?

Me: Nope I’m all safe-

4: Why not?

Wait…was it my left or your left?

-me as a surgeon

Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises

Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out

I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.

I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.