*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
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“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
I had to cancel my summer concert tour due to lack of ticket sales too so I know how Jennifer Lopez is feeling right now
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
making sure he doesnt get away
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.