If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
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learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.