Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx

how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
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how much my patient talks about their single daughter
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We decided to have money instead of children.

Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.

Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.

Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.

Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.

If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,

Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”

Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!

Coronavirus: LOL

Me: How was school?

5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders

Me: what did you need to be reminded about?

5:

Me:

5: You don’t need to worry about that

The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.

Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword

Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does

I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.

We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.

Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.

uh oh

Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long

Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long

My stupid belt shrunk again today.

Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it

3.

The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.

My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.

Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.

perfect

Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”

I’m gonna put “CEO of Blockbuster Video” on my resume because who are they gonna call to confirm?

Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.

*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*

“Sir how should we sell scissors?”

SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors

Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.

If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell