Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right

Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.

Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.

911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.

[50 years from now]

*visiting husband’s grave*

“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”

If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.

gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home

Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.

‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco

HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here

ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin

I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.

Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers

I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.

Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.

The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell

ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please

WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?

ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate

For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.

Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul

Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??

I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:

“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.

#FunnyLife Insects

Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady

having a job is cool but everydayyy???

I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.

I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear

At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

From mommies.

“How do they get inside?”

CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT

Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.

That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt

The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.

Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.