Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.

I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves

Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff

Me: you mean like microscopic germs

Life coach: no you should probably worry about those

Me: choking hazards

Life coach: that’s not-

Me: killer bees

Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*

I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.

Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing

Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys

My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with

You excited to watch the Super Bowl?

“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”

[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]

Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….

I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.

Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG

3-year-old: I need a scarf.

Me: No, you don’t.

3: To tie up bad guys.

She needs a scarf.

*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

[Thanksgiving Dinner]

“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”

“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”

I found myself sitting beside the doctor who delivered me 42 years ago so I asked “do you remember me?” and he looked at me all serious and replied “it’s hard to tell when you’re wearing clothes”

A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.

And you’ve got two faces.

Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?

Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.

Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?

Everyone you know is fighting battles you don’t know about, except for me who just can not shut up about his battles

I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.

If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.

I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”

[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe

If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.

This is completely inappropriate. Where do I sign up?

If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.

Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.

Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.

Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.

Me:

Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.

Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.