[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
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Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
I beg you to euthanise me
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Krampus.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Spa day..😅
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.