[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
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buys donuts instead
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
be careful
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.