Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular

Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂

Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.

If I lived in a town where dancing was illegal, I’d take up arson as a hobby. “Footloose” would have been 7 minutes long.

reasons my cat is yowling:

-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen

Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead

funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one

Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.

“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.

The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.

Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.

Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.

The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom

My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.

According to my chocolate advent calendar tomorrow is Christmas

Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled

Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala

Me: What time should I pick that up?

My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.

Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.

My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.

Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair

[whale watching]

whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again

I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.

If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven

[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]

Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?

Host: What’s your friend’s name?

Me: Wikipedia.

it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut

I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.

Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.

waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”

“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design

I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.