Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart

Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute

There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.

Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.

Please don’t block me.

If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep

robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?

Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.

Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.

DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*

I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.

Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.

Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.

FRIEND: do you drive stick?

ME: no I drive car.

I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.

science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”

“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*

[interrogation]

COP: So you play the tuba do ya?

“No, the violin”

COP: Treble maker eh?

Doctor: *eyes wide*

Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time

*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.

[paying at chipotle]

ME: i got a burrito

CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars

ME: with guac

CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots

My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer

went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm

there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public

[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]

[yoga]

INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*

What my back needs

Girl: Do you have protection?

Me: Um like a sword?

What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray

Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me