[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
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Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT