[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
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Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
