[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
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The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.