[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
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Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.
Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”