Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.

DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts

ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady

Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides

911: hello this is 911

me: [panicky garbled mumbling]

911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth

me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]

I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now

Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?

Dear Abby,

I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.

I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.

For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

Casual sex robots have rebooty calls

[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]

hi, I would like to make a return

Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car

If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.

May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos

Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.

Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner

I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!

Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]

It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.

Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…

I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.

I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.

The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?

Baby Moon.

If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.

My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.

If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.

1 have a mental illness that makes me think that people will change their minds if I present the correct arguments with the appropriate facts and data

Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.

I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.

If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park