[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
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inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Growing out my freckles.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”