[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
You Might Also Like
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that