[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
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Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.