Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!

I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo

Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.

Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.

When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock

So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.

Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.

So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.

7-year-old: Can we leave the house?

Me: We could go for a walk.

7: And then what?

Me: Come back to the house.

7: I’ll just stay here.

My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.

Sending in my taxes

I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.

Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?

Me: Hogwarts.

A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)

CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History

CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?

CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour

5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?

Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now

Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.

Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.

M:

H: Please leave Home Depot.

cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself

Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.

Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.

Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.

Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?

ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change

ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun

“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.

[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”

[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”

[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”

Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!

Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.

Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.

God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.

Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.

*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF

The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.