Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.

One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.

In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.

[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’

If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.

“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.

gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts

💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?

Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?

[God inventing children]

A: Aw, so cute.

G: Make ’em scream.

A: But –

G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.

My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc

It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money

Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.

Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!

Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*

*goes to church

I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.

the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck

No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around

These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.

got my mind on my money and my money

is nowhere to be found.

Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.

Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams

Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’

The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.

I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.

NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks

The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.

Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.