*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
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As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
According to my fitness app, I ate 5 miles of Chicken Parm
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
What’s the perfect gif to let everyone know an alien invasion is underway? A prompt response would be appreciated.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
“Do you have a flavor?”
La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime