Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.

I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.

Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.

[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*

My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!

Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.

As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?

Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.

I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.

I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything

Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.

[searching for a new church]

Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?

Church: *click*

MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.

Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.

“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”

– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing

Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”

Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too

[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me

Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”

People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴

My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.

COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?

ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me

Me: I try not to make snap judgments.

Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.

thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.

I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit

The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.

That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.

TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?

BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not

Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks

Him: you just offended all of Canada

Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.

Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!

Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*