Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”

me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u

woke up on the wrong side of the jed today

I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.

(Halloween Party)

Friend: What’s your costume?

Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”

Friend: But you always wear that

Me: Yeah.

god: here are the animals

man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes

TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes

my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?

Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.

they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon

if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot

Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.

A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.

I thought: “No whey, Jose.”

Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day

Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.

[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.

I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24

Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.

Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.

I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.

if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?

Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄

I just checked Web MD and I have everything

Webb. James Webb.

Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of

In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good

I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.

[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!

#labordayweekend