@MsFoxIfUrNasty

Russia has just renewed a longstanding contract with Hollywood to play the bad guys in all international spy thrillers for another 60 years.

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@BatmanOffDuty

*Indian sending smoke signals* Buffalo… Coming… *other Indian replies* New… Fire… Who… Dis?

@PharmerRPh

Of all the bands named after handicapped jungle animals, Def Leppard is my favorite.

@ItsAndyRyan

Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.

@UncleDuke1969

? 12 drummers drumming
? 11 pipers piping
? 10 lords a leaping
? 9 ladies dancing
? 8 maids a milking
? 7 swans a swimming
? 6 geese a laying
?

@FeverFlave

I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.

Me: So that’s a no?

@lisaxy424

If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.

@upsidedowntrash

WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?

ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?

@schumoo

This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.

@PinkLipschitz

Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.

@Kyle_Lippert

There are 5 things I really hate:
1) Racists.
2) People who can’t spell.
3) Math
4) Whyte people