My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
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Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.