Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.

Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?

I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.

a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles

ME: Is this chicken cooked?

WAITER: Why do you ask?

ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.

Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.

Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away

buyer: does this van have child locks

me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it

Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.

WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.

mugger: I said, your money or your life

me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him

our kids: awww

My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.

Condescending:

(adj) showing patronizing superiority

(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.

named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.

Parole officer: Come in and take a seat

[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*

I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.

*Chicken strips*

Me: *blushes*

We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.

Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.

Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

Probably my best painting.

My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”

My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.

Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?

Me: I ordered it battered

Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*

Me: Thanks

Lmao

Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.

Ghost: Death is coming for you

Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous

I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’

Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send

Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?

Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.