Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.

me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact

If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!

A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.

And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.

SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel

NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second

Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.

My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.

Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you

Signs your wife is cheating:

1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend

*calls male escort service*

Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”

*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*

WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.

robber: gimme your money

me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents

my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies

My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead

Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’

Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’

*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*

*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-

ope

I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.

PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school

[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

Note to Self:

‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’

Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.

[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY

If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…

[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*

Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years

I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.

bill nye is short for william new year’s eve

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.