Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
You Might Also Like
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*