Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
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me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.