Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
You Might Also Like
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Real 😅
Humans were not meant to have this many passwords
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?
I do. Now.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]