Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying

from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically

If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.

4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this

Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.

The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.

Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked

surgeon: says here he also has night terrors

patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!

surgeons: ahhh!!!

The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.

The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.

I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁

—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.

—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.

I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.

I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.

Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying

Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.

Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!

Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.

If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.

History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.

Proof that kids sometimes listen…

5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?

Me: I’m dressed

5: Those look like pajamas

Me:

5: Did you brush your teeth?

Me: Yes

5: Let me smell

Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?

Walt Disney: Kill the mom.

P: and the mermaid movie?

WD: Kill the mom.

P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?

WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.

[divorce court]

ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody

JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”

Finally!

Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning

Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”

*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*

Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.

This is your brain.

*holds up a brain*

And this is your brain on drugs.

*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*

Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.

I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”