Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”

Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.

Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus

My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!

I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.

Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.

Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.

“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’

Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.

One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children

I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.

5 yo- can I roll down the car window?

Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.

My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants

Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.

Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES

Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.

me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”

Fantasy:

We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.

Her side is mined.

Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.

Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?

I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.

Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits

Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking

Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.

Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.

When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.

Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.

Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?

Me: It depends on how they were raised…