Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
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getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Don’t snitch tag.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.