Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.

I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.

NOBODY:

GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*

our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs

I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.

[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!

Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats

At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.

I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.

Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard

Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.

I promise to sing for you.

Then you can decide what’s worse.

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.

I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day

I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.

*gets down on one knee*

Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer

How do I like eggs?

Ummm…in a cake!

When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.

“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.

The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:

– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf

(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)

I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.

“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”

-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets

Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”

H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?

M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.

Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.

Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.

“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”

[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers