Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
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What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f
Me: k, I’ll check for sure
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
#ProTip
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
