Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.

After kids: My mind is a steel colander.

6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?

Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.

ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*

ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.

I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.

The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.

boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here

My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.

Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more

someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.

roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.

“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*

I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?

Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.

I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN

Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it

Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.

I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.

I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?

“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow

6yo: What is a solar eclipse?

Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?

6yo: yeah

Me: same idea

I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.

If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”

When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.

My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.

Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.

Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.

“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King

*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*