Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
You Might Also Like
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun