Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!

The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.

2024: “I’m sick of that Hawk Tauh Girl… When is her 15 minutes of fame gonna be up?”

2032: “I hope President Hawk Tauh Girl gets a second term.”

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]

My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.

No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.

CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening

Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without

*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*

Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.

All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?

* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *

Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”

She asked “Which one?”

Me: “William”

Wife: Do the dishes

Me: Can’t. Holding the baby

Wife: Take out the trash

Me: Can’t. Baby

Wife: Change the baby

Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.

I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.

who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies

Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.

Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.

Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.

The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.

Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.

Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team

Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that

“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession

STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves

Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.

I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”

[Swiss bank]

ME: I’d like to take out a loan

CASHIER: Okay, what kind?

ME: A tober

CASHIER: what?

ME: A toberloan

CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?

ME: …toberloan

beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night

My youngest is like a dog

She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you

I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.

And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.