Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
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I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
I’m giving up for Lent.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.