:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
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Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
According to math, I’m broke
Can confirm.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.