Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.

To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.

My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”

Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.

My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.

My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.

[every morning]

Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.

Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips

Pro debating tip:

Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.

[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut

“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.

When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!

Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!

Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.

Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.

I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”

There are two types of people in this world:

1) Good people

2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.

me: i’ve been hearing voices

psychiatrist:

me:

psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist

I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.

FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30

“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season

I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk

You excited to watch the Super Bowl?

“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”

[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]

What if all the cashiers are married?

I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.

If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.

Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE

I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.

My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.

Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak

thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider

“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”