Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?

In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.

In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.

If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?

If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.

Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day

Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?

[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottle

Waiter: One ketchup coming up

Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming

Can’t, holding a grudge

My mother’s scale of concern:

1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.

2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.

Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?

CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.

I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.

She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”

Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer

Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?

I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro

What do you want to be when you grow up?

other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…

my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.

ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop

as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound

*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*

CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?

ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small

Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird

sales assistant: oh not you again

broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him

My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.

Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry

Doctor: You need to listen to your body

My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL

BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.

Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.

My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?

I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.

My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby

My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.

If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?