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“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
same energy
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?
me: yes
[next time opening the document]
microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.
It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.
Who.
Did.
This?
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*