S O O N
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Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
I have a new favorite meme page
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.