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I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
two unread emails:
– from HR: please fill out our anonymous survey
– from Boss: don’t forget about the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”